Sunday, October 4, 2015

Another family 'outing' to get 'in'! 😱

After a very long day I trudged up the stairs to my bedroom and I might add (for the first time in recent memory), I had on a dress and feet were killing me. I then discovered 'someone' had locked my bedroom door and I haven't seen the key to that door for at least 15 years! :( After multiple attempts with every conceivable tool (paperclips even a couple of butter knives and You Tube instructional videos) I reluctantly concluded that 'lock smithing' particularly the 'breaking- in- kind' is not a resume item for me (a first!) so it was onto 'PLAN B' - since this problem was most certainly the doings of Darling Daughter - I screamed for her ass's the rest of the story.....

I was finally 'in' 9:30 pm but with out a 'normal' 12 step fiasco!  I had to retrieve my trusty ladder to then have Darling Daughter scale the top roof (in pitch dark) line (she escaped through her bedroom window) was actually pretty quick with that move (hmm?) then cut the screen wide open with an exacto knife with 'Winnie' the kitten on the other side trying her best to escape! (frankly, I don't blame her!)  Older cats, 'Babycakes' and one-eyed 'Winky' were also locked in - I was high on the ladder in heels and a dress holding the flashlight. Success! We did it! 💪 . Darling Daughter and I problem-solved the situation and broke into the bedroom via second story window!  As expected.... Husband was in bare feet with a tiny flashlight.... directing from below.  Another memorable evening.  (Like snow shoveling). Xo
HOME SWEET HOME - now, leave me alone! 


Friday, March 13, 2015

Because I'm Happy (?)

Join in a sing-along! 
Thank you to Pharrell Williams (but this is the time of year for new lyrics!)
(sing along to the tune of "Happy")

"It might seem crazy what I’m gonna do
Each year this may trouble you....

Through the winter our dogs take multiple dumps.....
It’s too cold to pick up so you have to punt!

And now it’s Springtime!

Clomp along as I clean this shit up from my yard!
Because I’m happy!(?)
Clomp along as it's been here a while and I never need a guard! 

Because I’m happy (?)
Clomp along as I wait for the snow to finally clear
Because I’m happy (?)
Clomp along to not track shit through my house with fear!

Here comes the bad news talk’n this and that....
Neighbors far and wide won’t talk behind your back!

Well, I can warn you it’s not that bad
This song to sing will become a new fad….

Because I’m happy (?)
Clomp along as I scoop this shit up from my yard!
Because I’m happy (?)
Clap along if you’re dancing to a smelly shit bombard!
Because I’m happy (?)
Clomp along as I wait for the snow to finally clear
Because I’m happy (?)
Clap along to not track shit through my house fear.

Bring me down
Like a ‘downward dog’

No yoga needed for a snap like this! 
my new scooper is like a candy kiss! 
Bring me down
Like a downward dog
Because I’m happy (?)
Clomp along as I clean this mess from all my darling dogs
Because I’m happy (?)

Clap along as I smell Spring
and eliminate this nasty bog
Because I’m happy (?)
Clomp along as I wait for the snow to finally clear....
Clap along to not track shit through my house with fear.

Because I’m happy
Clap along if you’re sick of bending up and down
Because I’m happy
I have a new scooper which is the best in all the town!
Because I’m happy
My yard will soon be smelling like a treat!

Feel free to help others cheer and give this link a tweet! 

xo The International Laundress!  

Friday, February 6, 2015

Our annual 'vacation' - Brief but full of 'fun' !

 I would have written Monday but I had to rest from our annual gathering at the end of the driveway!  It's our family 'vacation' - always in early February -  remarkable I know!  All 4 of us together.

This family outing began unexpectedly at our house with a primal-like 'Darling Daughter howl' - to plow our driveway which now had 19.3" of snow on it.   A critical 'need' as Darling Daughter has a responsible job and needed to get to work on that day!
She was yelling from the wild....bursting through the 'guest room' door to find me... I'm not much of a 'guest' in this house, but needed some sleep away from our two crazy cats who like to perch on me when I'm in my room - I should have locked the door but I think she would have broken through.    It seems that 'Jason' her friend's friend was retained and reminded just the night before (10:30 pm)  to be sure and PLOW OUR DRIVEWAY  apparently like everyone in my house, he also has trouble following directions. 

Naturally I came to the rescue with night tooth guard still in my mouth- hair in a knot on the top of my head in my 'darling' night-time flannel couture combo attire and a light-weight coat.   It was a 7:15 am departure time and I was still in a fog.   I trudged out in my slipper/clogs to our attached garage to back up my 8 cylinder/ bomber-style tanker- an old SUV truck with 4 wheel drive.  I mightily swear all year round about this vehicle when it comes to gas mileage, but in this case I was ready to kiss the wheels.

We could do this!  I just knew it!   Darling Daughter could easily take my car- it has no gas, but it was all hers.  What I forgot was at the end of the driveway one has to really 'gun it' to get through the pile of snow left from snow street plowers.

 Damn!   should have had my precious coffee because it's not hard to conclude what happened.  Yes,  ME  ....the great driver-of-snow ..... was up to the bottom of the car solid with snow really stuck!   So begins Phase #1    SHOVELING.... because no one ever puts anything back where it belongs (garage) our front door since November, has a blue shovel as a permanent winter accessory outside the door.

 - so Darling Daughter went through the house to 'get it' and left the door open just enough for all 3 dogs to carefully escape. We didn't even notice.....and began the process of shoveling...... Darling Daughter was motivated by  a 'Jason tantrum' in her ankle socks and tennis shoes her light-weight 'scrubs' from the knees down were frozen solid.  

After a gallant attempt.... We continued shoveling to no avail and Phase #2  kicked in.... by then, Darling Daughter had corralled all the wet dogs back into the house after frolicking in deep snow throughout the front yard.   I then rounded the corner of our living room with boots in hand, and squarely slipped on our wet tile floor - (err, I mean smashed my whole left side to the ground) Thank you 'darling dogs'.   It is unquestionably my least favorite way to start my day but thrilled to have not plowed my head into a plaster wall (as I have done before).

I then made an executive decision to increase staff to 'good sport husband' who was oblivious (or so he says) to the commotion downstairs.  After a quick briefing....he started with the 'brilliant' questions like; did you drive forward? or have you shoveled?   Darling Daughter and I were hysterical with laughter as car-removal-from-snow is not his strong point and he prefers to 'watch' the action. 
WE then all agreed to 'beat' on the door of 17 year old Darling Son (afterall, it was a 'snow day') to join the pushing brigade.  So the four of us armed with a large bag of kitty litter (like luggage) actually had a family outing!  I know, a miracle!    No arguing about where to go..... we had our itinerary set.  (1). Shovel  (2). Litter (3). Mom (ME) in the driver seat / 4 wheel drive forward only  :)    (4). All 3 shoving my car from the back and with that effort; our 'family outing' was quickly over!

It was lovely,  although a little cold ( 7 degrees ) and who knows? we could be getting more snow- I'm ready and packed only this time I just may keep going when I get to the end of the driveway .....      XO The International Laundress 

Sunday, December 28, 2014

The 'Moment' Was Right..... To Laugh!

Hello to my faithful readers.....

I thought I was done with 'ah-ha' moments until my cute, stylish, high-energy (very opinionated) 85 year old mother ('The Whirling Dervish')  asked me "Haven't you ever had that wonderful totally 'in love' feeling?"   HUH?   She was gushing to me about her new boyfriend 'Phil' - just fully in LOVE.... its resulted in her 2nd marriage proposal since her 2nd husband 'Bill' died 3 years ago. This time, not interested in turning her current name into a lengthy law firm like-title, she has decided to play this one out 'til-death-do-us-part' which at their age, has real meaning. For me, still trudging along in 'survival mode' her poignant question really gave me pause ....... like,  absolute explosive hysterical tears, running down both of our faces!  She has become quite the 'Love Vixen' .... she just kills me. 
It was the first time I had had a laugh like that since about 1991 - We concluded my 'love feeling' was a 14 year old boy I met once on a ferry boat to Nantucket on a family outing  - he had a toothbrush in his pocket and was very cute.  

For me, I married my love interest waaaay back in 1987.  A very 'gregarious', southern-born polite fellow who fidgets and paces -- and (not a surprise) is always busy... busy having a successful career in sales and sales's an 'energy' which companies should pay extra for.  My 'good-sport' husband has been a challenging partner but I have somehow learned to live with this 'fun'.... so as that relates to our children....  

Like most females at 33 my biological alarm went off for childbearing - a 'clock' which I should have hit the 'snooze' button (err, I take that back.... I should have CUT the cord to the socket) and adopted a couple of dogs .... but I stubbornly forged on...     Brutal infertility for years and when almost 39 years old, I had my 1st.... 'darling daughter'   It was a 'happy' time ( that is, until the moment she escaped from her play pen) she then became the wildest, high-energy 'gregarious' kid to ever be born to this planet.  Her cuteness also got the best of me and then like magic (and I mean magic)  - a 2nd child appeared 3 years later (Like the virgin Mary, I'm still amazed) a 'gregarious' son ..... Did I mention this IS the definition of tired!? Having children after 40 anyway is not a pretty picture-----    omg   It seems this genetic combination was littered with 'good sport husband' and a dominate gene (which skipped me) from, 'the Love Vixen' (formally known as 'The Whirling Dervish') .... both are very similar in temperament... together..... they are oil and hot oil.  As a 'gang' words.
So our little 4-pack began and through the years 'Gregarious' (a term to 'hit' both children) is a word now with new meaning!  - utter chaos, mouth dropping messes, continuous repairs, indescribable exhaustion.... just thinking about it makes me want to put a colorful belt around my neck
and enjoy a good relaxing swing.
 I could also now ask one of my darling children to do something and if they would comply on the 1st request- that would be quicker than a massive heart-attack.  The other thing I could do is ask 'good sport husband' to follow a simple instruction and not have to repeat 3 times or write it down (and if he actually did it correctly) I would faint and then die.  I might note, over the years, that's like most husbands - only with mine.... it's with gusto! 

Oh, the long days and the short years have come upon me quickly..... Lots of incredible stress, indescribable messes, yelling, screaming, mental breakdowns and all the wonderful medications needed to survive.
Thanks (with love) to Coffee, Prozac, high-blood pressure meds... Xanx, Adderall/Concerta...then Vyvanse and Focalin - the children are now educated and are finding their passion.  As many know, since ADHD went 'mainstream' this variety of child is 'gifted' in their area of interest and if that 'talent' is not uncovered it's a quick path to prison with low self esteem from impulsive stupid behavior.

If you are a follower of this (when-I-feel-like-writing) blog, the direct 'special' gene
for this condition (in our family) comes from 'Good Sport Gregarious Husband'  and it also comes from the 'Whirling Dervish' (My Mother the 85-year old love-struck 'Vixen') - she has always wisely said her 'cure' for ADHD was a leather belt from her father in the 1930's  - and not the kind for a restful swing.  Those were the days.   

We have on-going conversations (err, I mean fights)  about how 'everyone has ADHD' today but normal humans know that is not the case. It's a real condition which drives millions of people crazy (those who don't have it).

So as someone sandwiched between a genetic field of ruckus -  I have become an older (but much wiser)  'Not-So-Good-Sport-Wife/Mother' and at times it's no fun. The years of messes, chaos, disorder sometimes gets the best of me.   Now with my unmedicated husband we find ourselves with more 'quality' time together than either of us like..... it's a term I call ...."Fucking Annoying" but it is what it is- the music of my life!
The needle on this screeching record is scratched and it digs deeply into the grooves of my battered life.
My 'goals' in life now and my greatest gift ever would be to have 'good sport husband' join the wonderful life-of-chemistry we all have grown to know (well) and love.   In my world it's called 'survival' and hopefully with that, I won't be 85 when that total 'love feeling' hits! 

The International Laundress

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

ME - The Queen of F*&^#$%ing Everything! Anything but 'charmed' !

Another 'Selfie'.... seen through my tired eyes.

This time, I would like to educate readers on the 'Kingdom' of the'Queen of Fucking Everything' (ME) .........  such a ghastly place where I 'rule' .... a place in need of a conquest because it now appears to be controlled by militants (lazy teenagers) who will do ANYTHING but help me within this sovereign state.   

To add to this upheaval -  smelly

animals that make loud noises also follow my every move.   It's a hideous life - one I never imagined, confirming the name of this blog. 
The defiant new 'rulers' direct The Royal Leaders (The King too) as though it is their kingdom and their kingdom alone.    Like radical zealots they come in and out of our locked gates at their fancy - and with every whim leave royal messes everywhere!  They even steal food labeled 'for Mom' and other items leaving a path of remnants which outrages Me !........I AM THE Queen!   

Their charmed loyal following of 'subjects' add to the destruction.   It appears they have all been keenly trained in the same place and I am now a prisoner under home-rule. 

To leave (err, I mean escape) is controversial ....  My 'carriage' has broken a/c so I am truly in an uproar with disgust and desperation. My 'life's' HELL would then follow me to the closest expressway and I would burn the tires to their axle with speed.   

So my favorite part of my day is to now take a 'Royal Nap' in hopes that this will all go away!  Or with an unlikely thought that I have been

in a deep coma for the past 2 decades I barely survive. I pray. This is torture.
Where will I find the strength to start military exercises to take back my Kingdom?  I need new ammunition with unique explosives to start a Coup d'état?
 Anyone care to join me?

Quite by surprise, as they grow up, it seems my authority drops to what is now 'dungeon' status.

I am it appears, a new-kind-of tired exhausted peasant.  I hate what is going on in my castle.   The 'King' also feels the same downgrade in status.  

We have tried calmly requesting assistance, then added lovely scrolled hand-lettered notes (duct taped on neon paper) which escalates to direct orders from tower command posts to no avail. The King even roars! and I scream like a fish-wife which is embarrassing and undignified to my earlier status.

Our self- appointed crowned heads-of-state.... 
enjoy barricading themselves behind locked doors while the Queen is working and I say 'Off With Their Heads!'   A plan is currently in place to bring in The Queen Mum (Grammie) to beat them with a tire iron.  

I am so exasperated by the filth and mess which has overrun this Kingdom and like a slave I am going to revolt!  At this point... I couldn't pay a King's ransom to find reliable 'help'.... I need a cleaning crew to rival a small country.

 I know I am not alone... I should form a 'Queen of Fucking Everything' union where we could all plan together.  There are millions of us and in force, we could probably conquer or at best, get 'subjects' like this to magically hold a swifter duster or waltz with a turned on vacuum.

With new sanctions 'The Princess' (Darling Daughter) will NEVER again be able to say to my request of 'What the $%^&* were you doing in your room all day'? (while I was out sipping tea in the royal garden).... answering with a straight face;  'CLEANING' oh really?.... my dream is to have her understand when I am outside 'on the grounds' she should be maintaining military-style bathroom cleaning drills and end that exercise with a curtsy to me!  'The Prince', (Darling Son), will not storm out of his throne room with a furious tone after ending a day-long endless video game to assist me with cleaning up huge plops of royal dog feces (outside) and moving heavy fencing (I hate doing that while wearing taffeta).  He will leave his tasks and add others, with a polite 'yesh, me lord' and immediately begin sparkling up the 'moated' area of our basement,
a place where remarkably water goes unnoticed. 

Someday when I do free myself of this life .... (to a place I dream of) it will have a lovely cottage-like feel to it.
Most importantly, there will gates with an automatic code that will be the envy of Homeland Security.  This 'castle' will also have a fresh aroma of beautiful flowers, food which I like and it will be clean and organized.  I will be graced with a regular 'lady in waiting (cleaning)' ....... No one and I mean NO ONE will be allowed 'in' without being granted an order from The Queen (ME).   Even The King will be thrown scraps through the metal gates. 

The Queen of F$%^& Everything 
 (a.k.a. The International Laundress) I wear many 'hats' 
(err, I mean crowns! )  my neck is practically broken.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Mystery Solved- Don't Mess with ME! ..... Hold your nose instead!

Today's ' #Selfie'

Lately I've been saying I need to have an affair with a handyman because I have so many house projects it's overwhelming, expensive.......not to mention EXHAUSTING!   Today I started thinking ...'Lesbian' and have determined what I really need is a good cleaning lady.

Since last posting we have added another animal to our 'gaggle'  I'm not talk'n geese here but the military slang definition of 'an unorganized group of doing nothing'.   This sovereign state of chaos was already at outer limits last summer when 'Eugene' the kitten (a girl) joined cats, 'Winky' (the one-eyed, morbidly obese feline) and our emotionally disturbed 'Babycakes' who now hates everyone and dumps regularly on a decorative heavy plastic shower curtain creatively positioned on my 4-poster king size bed.  Last week darling son informed me Babycakes pooped in my bathroom on the rug and said "Mom, did you see 'it' ?"   'It looks like a heart' !! ahhh.   so sweet... We have changed bedrooms so Babycakes is quite-the-queen.  My next big project is fumigating that room... watch out darling Babycakes.    So on to the roll-call.  We still have 'Tutu' the happy bird .... fully caged and not a bad idea when it comes to messes.    hmm?

The story of our newest animal is a long one - unplanned like an unwanted pregnancy and fueled with a 'Frank Costanza - style-temper'.(my darling husband) -  It begins like all our animals,  we 'foster' for about 30 seconds then fall in love.   But here's the short version....

'Templeton' (who I also refer to as 'Little Shit' a very small Pomeranian pooch - an adventurous unneutered little guy who was escaping from a hole in our back fence like a rat.... escaping unfortunately to a neighbor, someone I'll call Mrs. McGullicuddy-always alert to neighborhood happenings and who I might add, had her 'eye' on this dog with hopes of adopting.  .... As 'luck' would have it 'Little Shit' got out (again!) one cold misty April day when I was on my 4th straight day of a debilitating headache.  Once realized....(because we thought he was under the guest room bed asleep) we started screaming and like a military invasion, air-raid emergency plans activated which included driving around the neighborhood in shifts --- boots-on-the-ground in our local park .... me, walking up to children asking if they had seen my little dog. To then realize they were stiffening up and very quickly backing away from ME.

Husband was roaring around in the car frantically searching....  !! also, recruiting other neighbors in this search effort.  Even teenage son was looking!   After about 90 minutes of terror - ready to make lost-dog signs and 'hit' social media .... I decided to text Mrs. McGullicuddy to recruit her help and SURPRISE!  Mrs. McGullicuddy had the dog and had calmly texted my darling daughter 90 minutes prior 'to call her'  This was during a busy animal hospital shift (where Darling Daughter works)  and she still had 4 more hours of work! well, la de da.....  Really??!, ....  I know sounds like I'm making this up!   

Slightly annoyed- like absolutely furious... Being the adults here,  I sent Darling Husband over to Mrs. McGillicuddy's house to retrieve the dog.   At this point, I had a bag of frozen peas on my head and was trying to revive myself from yet another day in this hideous life....and then like magic, I started hearing the 'F' word loud and clear and I'm not referring to 'Frank'...but I might as well have been-  Mrs. McGillicuddy refused to 'give' our dog back to my husband because we were apparently too irresponsible and she had decided to wait to return Templeton to our very 'responsible' busy daughter..... so then it blew!  I should sign this guy up for a sequel to Seinfield. !!
 It was from that point that NO MATTER WHAT! We are adopting this dog -- kind of a 'spite adoption'....anyway, it has all worked out.  We aren't speaking to Mrs. McGillicuddy and 'Little Shit' has a nice home with 'sisters' Emma and Lollipop.  In case you don't have a calculator out ...we now have 7 things who eat and shit and SMELL.  (in addition to the kids) 

Ok, now for today's story on why I need to become a Lesbian.... Husband (I'm not going to say 'darling') has been following me around for days telling me how we need to shoot one of the upstairs bathrooms because of the smell. (cat litter etc....)  Usually the culprit is 'Darling Son' who is toilet-flushing-challenged and we are hoping after paying very high real estate taxes, that he will be learning that skill while taking 'Health' in summer school.   Anyway, today was the day Mom (ME) was going to put on my Sherlock Holmes hat (or is it a hazmat suit)  and determine what the hideous odor was coming from that part of the house.    Because of my keen eye and grand experience with this type of work I very quickly identified the problem.  I am such a talent.

 'Responsible' Darling Daughter it seems, had fed a delicious feast of  mushy 'Prime Cuts' Gravy-laden Alpo to 'Little Shit' on a paper plate. (probably a week ago)   Because the downstairs maid (apparently, ME) hadn't emptied the small delicate waste can in that bathroom,  the 'tender meaty bites' which Little Shit didn't finish had started to STINK beyond your wildest rotten diaper.... problem solved.    But in reflection, this whole thing (like everything in my life)  is beyond....

 #1. That 'responsible' Daughter would leave that in the waste basket.

 #2. That Son would take a shower in there with that stench.

 #3. That Husband would follow me around nagging me to find a solution.... with his contribution of lighting cheap candles and opening windows to mask the smell.    REALLY!  Apparently to look downward at the waste can was just too much to ask of this group.

So there you have it.... I am in a very piss-y mood today and have adjourned to my fresh-smelling office with the door closed and my neon 'Sorry We're Closed' sign posted .... stay away unless that is, you are interested in cleaning this dump.

The International Laundress