Monday, June 16, 2014

Mystery Solved- Don't Mess with ME! ..... Hold your nose instead!

Today's ' #Selfie'

Lately I've been saying I need to have an affair with a handyman because I have so many house projects it's overwhelming, expensive.......not to mention EXHAUSTING!   Today I started thinking ...'Lesbian' and have determined what I really need is a good cleaning lady.

Since last posting we have added another animal to our 'gaggle'  I'm not talk'n geese here but the military slang definition of 'an unorganized group of doing nothing'.   This sovereign state of chaos was already at outer limits last summer when 'Eugene' the kitten (a girl) joined cats, 'Winky' (the one-eyed, morbidly obese feline) and our emotionally disturbed 'Babycakes' who now hates everyone and dumps regularly on a decorative heavy plastic shower curtain creatively positioned on my 4-poster king size bed.  Last week darling son informed me Babycakes pooped in my bathroom on the rug and said "Mom, did you see 'it' ?"   'It looks like a heart' !! ahhh.   so sweet... We have changed bedrooms so Babycakes is quite-the-queen.  My next big project is fumigating that room... watch out darling Babycakes.    So on to the roll-call.  We still have 'Tutu' the happy bird .... fully caged and not a bad idea when it comes to messes.    hmm?

The story of our newest animal is a long one - unplanned like an unwanted pregnancy and fueled with a 'Frank Costanza - style-temper'.(my darling husband) -  It begins like all our animals,  we 'foster' for about 30 seconds then fall in love.   But here's the short version....

'Templeton' (who I also refer to as 'Little Shit' a very small Pomeranian pooch - an adventurous unneutered little guy who was escaping from a hole in our back fence like a rat.... escaping unfortunately to a neighbor, someone I'll call Mrs. McGullicuddy-always alert to neighborhood happenings and who I might add, had her 'eye' on this dog with hopes of adopting.  .... As 'luck' would have it 'Little Shit' got out (again!) one cold misty April day when I was on my 4th straight day of a debilitating headache.  Once realized....(because we thought he was under the guest room bed asleep) we started screaming and like a military invasion, air-raid emergency plans activated which included driving around the neighborhood in shifts --- boots-on-the-ground in our local park .... me, walking up to children asking if they had seen my little dog. To then realize they were stiffening up and very quickly backing away from ME.

Husband was roaring around in the car frantically searching....  !! also, recruiting other neighbors in this search effort.  Even teenage son was looking!   After about 90 minutes of terror - ready to make lost-dog signs and 'hit' social media .... I decided to text Mrs. McGullicuddy to recruit her help and SURPRISE!  Mrs. McGullicuddy had the dog and had calmly texted my darling daughter 90 minutes prior 'to call her'  This was during a busy animal hospital shift (where Darling Daughter works)  and she still had 4 more hours of work! well, la de da.....  Really??!, ....  I know sounds like I'm making this up!   

Slightly annoyed- like absolutely furious... Being the adults here,  I sent Darling Husband over to Mrs. McGillicuddy's house to retrieve the dog.   At this point, I had a bag of frozen peas on my head and was trying to revive myself from yet another day in this hideous life....and then like magic, I started hearing the 'F' word loud and clear and I'm not referring to 'Frank'...but I might as well have been-  Mrs. McGillicuddy refused to 'give' our dog back to my husband because we were apparently too irresponsible and she had decided to wait to return Templeton to our very 'responsible' busy daughter..... so then it blew!  I should sign this guy up for a sequel to Seinfield. !!
 It was from that point that NO MATTER WHAT! We are adopting this dog -- kind of a 'spite adoption'....anyway, it has all worked out.  We aren't speaking to Mrs. McGillicuddy and 'Little Shit' has a nice home with 'sisters' Emma and Lollipop.  In case you don't have a calculator out ...we now have 7 things who eat and shit and SMELL.  (in addition to the kids) 

Ok, now for today's story on why I need to become a Lesbian.... Husband (I'm not going to say 'darling') has been following me around for days telling me how we need to shoot one of the upstairs bathrooms because of the smell. (cat litter etc....)  Usually the culprit is 'Darling Son' who is toilet-flushing-challenged and we are hoping after paying very high real estate taxes, that he will be learning that skill while taking 'Health' in summer school.   Anyway, today was the day Mom (ME) was going to put on my Sherlock Holmes hat (or is it a hazmat suit)  and determine what the hideous odor was coming from that part of the house.    Because of my keen eye and grand experience with this type of work I very quickly identified the problem.  I am such a talent.

 'Responsible' Darling Daughter it seems, had fed a delicious feast of  mushy 'Prime Cuts' Gravy-laden Alpo to 'Little Shit' on a paper plate. (probably a week ago)   Because the downstairs maid (apparently, ME) hadn't emptied the small delicate waste can in that bathroom,  the 'tender meaty bites' which Little Shit didn't finish had started to STINK beyond your wildest rotten diaper.... problem solved.    But in reflection, this whole thing (like everything in my life)  is beyond....

 #1. That 'responsible' Daughter would leave that in the waste basket.

 #2. That Son would take a shower in there with that stench.

 #3. That Husband would follow me around nagging me to find a solution.... with his contribution of lighting cheap candles and opening windows to mask the smell.    REALLY!  Apparently to look downward at the waste can was just too much to ask of this group.

So there you have it.... I am in a very piss-y mood today and have adjourned to my fresh-smelling office with the door closed and my neon 'Sorry We're Closed' sign posted .... stay away unless that is, you are interested in cleaning this dump.

The International Laundress

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