Tuesday, July 1, 2014

ME - The Queen of F*&^#$%ing Everything! Anything but 'charmed' !

Another 'Selfie'.... seen through my tired eyes.

This time, I would like to educate readers on the 'Kingdom' of the'Queen of Fucking Everything' (ME) .........  such a ghastly place where I 'rule' .... a place in need of a conquest because it now appears to be controlled by militants (lazy teenagers) who will do ANYTHING but help me within this sovereign state.   

To add to this upheaval -  smelly

animals that make loud noises also follow my every move.   It's a hideous life - one I never imagined, confirming the name of this blog. 
The defiant new 'rulers' direct The Royal Leaders (The King too) as though it is their kingdom and their kingdom alone.    Like radical zealots they come in and out of our locked gates at their fancy - and with every whim leave royal messes everywhere!  They even steal food labeled 'for Mom' and other items leaving a path of remnants which outrages Me !........I AM THE Queen!   

Their charmed loyal following of 'subjects' add to the destruction.   It appears they have all been keenly trained in the same place and I am now a prisoner under home-rule. 

To leave (err, I mean escape) is controversial ....  My 'carriage' has broken a/c so I am truly in an uproar with disgust and desperation. My 'life's' HELL would then follow me to the closest expressway and I would burn the tires to their axle with speed.   

So my favorite part of my day is to now take a 'Royal Nap' in hopes that this will all go away!  Or with an unlikely thought that I have been

in a deep coma for the past 2 decades I barely survive. I pray. This is torture.
Where will I find the strength to start military exercises to take back my Kingdom?  I need new ammunition with unique explosives to start a Coup d'├ętat?
 Anyone care to join me?

Quite by surprise, as they grow up, it seems my authority drops to what is now 'dungeon' status.

I am it appears, a new-kind-of tired exhausted peasant.  I hate what is going on in my castle.   The 'King' also feels the same downgrade in status.  

We have tried calmly requesting assistance, then added lovely scrolled hand-lettered notes (duct taped on neon paper) which escalates to direct orders from tower command posts to no avail. The King even roars! and I scream like a fish-wife which is embarrassing and undignified to my earlier status.

Our self- appointed crowned heads-of-state.... 
enjoy barricading themselves behind locked doors while the Queen is working and I say 'Off With Their Heads!'   A plan is currently in place to bring in The Queen Mum (Grammie) to beat them with a tire iron.  

I am so exasperated by the filth and mess which has overrun this Kingdom and like a slave I am going to revolt!  At this point... I couldn't pay a King's ransom to find reliable 'help'.... I need a cleaning crew to rival a small country.

 I know I am not alone... I should form a 'Queen of Fucking Everything' union where we could all plan together.  There are millions of us and in force, we could probably conquer or at best, get 'subjects' like this to magically hold a swifter duster or waltz with a turned on vacuum.

With new sanctions 'The Princess' (Darling Daughter) will NEVER again be able to say to my request of 'What the $%^&* were you doing in your room all day'? (while I was out sipping tea in the royal garden).... answering with a straight face;  'CLEANING' oh really?.... my dream is to have her understand when I am outside 'on the grounds' she should be maintaining military-style bathroom cleaning drills and end that exercise with a curtsy to me!  'The Prince', (Darling Son), will not storm out of his throne room with a furious tone after ending a day-long endless video game to assist me with cleaning up huge plops of royal dog feces (outside) and moving heavy fencing (I hate doing that while wearing taffeta).  He will leave his tasks and add others, with a polite 'yesh, me lord' and immediately begin sparkling up the 'moated' area of our basement,
a place where remarkably water goes unnoticed. 

Someday when I do free myself of this life .... (to a place I dream of) it will have a lovely cottage-like feel to it.
Most importantly, there will gates with an automatic code that will be the envy of Homeland Security.  This 'castle' will also have a fresh aroma of beautiful flowers, food which I like and it will be clean and organized.  I will be graced with a regular 'lady in waiting (cleaning)' ....... No one and I mean NO ONE will be allowed 'in' without being granted an order from The Queen (ME).   Even The King will be thrown scraps through the metal gates. 

The Queen of F$%^& Everything 
 (a.k.a. The International Laundress) I wear many 'hats' 
(err, I mean crowns! )  my neck is practically broken.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Mystery Solved- Don't Mess with ME! ..... Hold your nose instead!

Today's ' #Selfie'

Lately I've been saying I need to have an affair with a handyman because I have so many house projects it's overwhelming, expensive.......not to mention EXHAUSTING!   Today I started thinking ...'Lesbian' and have determined what I really need is a good cleaning lady.

Since last posting we have added another animal to our 'gaggle'  I'm not talk'n geese here but the military slang definition of 'an unorganized group of doing nothing'.   This sovereign state of chaos was already at outer limits last summer when 'Eugene' the kitten (a girl) joined cats, 'Winky' (the one-eyed, morbidly obese feline) and our emotionally disturbed 'Babycakes' who now hates everyone and dumps regularly on a decorative heavy plastic shower curtain creatively positioned on my 4-poster king size bed.  Last week darling son informed me Babycakes pooped in my bathroom on the rug and said "Mom, did you see 'it' ?"   'It looks like a heart' !! ahhh.   so sweet... We have changed bedrooms so Babycakes is quite-the-queen.  My next big project is fumigating that room... watch out darling Babycakes.    So on to the roll-call.  We still have 'Tutu' the happy bird .... fully caged and not a bad idea when it comes to messes.    hmm?

The story of our newest animal is a long one - unplanned like an unwanted pregnancy and fueled with a 'Frank Costanza - style-temper'.(my darling husband) -  It begins like all our animals,  we 'foster' for about 30 seconds then fall in love.   But here's the short version....

'Templeton' (who I also refer to as 'Little Shit' a very small Pomeranian pooch - an adventurous unneutered little guy who was escaping from a hole in our back fence like a rat.... escaping unfortunately to a neighbor, someone I'll call Mrs. McGullicuddy-always alert to neighborhood happenings and who I might add, had her 'eye' on this dog with hopes of adopting.  .... As 'luck' would have it 'Little Shit' got out (again!) one cold misty April day when I was on my 4th straight day of a debilitating headache.  Once realized....(because we thought he was under the guest room bed asleep) we started screaming and like a military invasion, air-raid emergency plans activated which included driving around the neighborhood in shifts --- boots-on-the-ground in our local park .... me, walking up to children asking if they had seen my little dog. To then realize they were stiffening up and very quickly backing away from ME.

Husband was roaring around in the car frantically searching....  !! also, recruiting other neighbors in this search effort.  Even teenage son was looking!   After about 90 minutes of terror - ready to make lost-dog signs and 'hit' social media .... I decided to text Mrs. McGullicuddy to recruit her help and SURPRISE!  Mrs. McGullicuddy had the dog and had calmly texted my darling daughter 90 minutes prior 'to call her'  This was during a busy animal hospital shift (where Darling Daughter works)  and she still had 4 more hours of work! well, la de da.....  Really??!, ....  I know sounds like I'm making this up!   

Slightly annoyed- like absolutely furious... Being the adults here,  I sent Darling Husband over to Mrs. McGillicuddy's house to retrieve the dog.   At this point, I had a bag of frozen peas on my head and was trying to revive myself from yet another day in this hideous life....and then like magic, I started hearing the 'F' word loud and clear and I'm not referring to 'Frank'...but I might as well have been-  Mrs. McGillicuddy refused to 'give' our dog back to my husband because we were apparently too irresponsible and she had decided to wait to return Templeton to our very 'responsible' busy daughter..... so then it blew!  I should sign this guy up for a sequel to Seinfield. !!
 It was from that point that NO MATTER WHAT! We are adopting this dog -- kind of a 'spite adoption'....anyway, it has all worked out.  We aren't speaking to Mrs. McGillicuddy and 'Little Shit' has a nice home with 'sisters' Emma and Lollipop.  In case you don't have a calculator out ...we now have 7 things who eat and shit and SMELL.  (in addition to the kids) 

Ok, now for today's story on why I need to become a Lesbian.... Husband (I'm not going to say 'darling') has been following me around for days telling me how we need to shoot one of the upstairs bathrooms because of the smell. (cat litter etc....)  Usually the culprit is 'Darling Son' who is toilet-flushing-challenged and we are hoping after paying very high real estate taxes, that he will be learning that skill while taking 'Health' in summer school.   Anyway, today was the day Mom (ME) was going to put on my Sherlock Holmes hat (or is it a hazmat suit)  and determine what the hideous odor was coming from that part of the house.    Because of my keen eye and grand experience with this type of work I very quickly identified the problem.  I am such a talent.

 'Responsible' Darling Daughter it seems, had fed a delicious feast of  mushy 'Prime Cuts' Gravy-laden Alpo to 'Little Shit' on a paper plate. (probably a week ago)   Because the downstairs maid (apparently, ME) hadn't emptied the small delicate waste can in that bathroom,  the 'tender meaty bites' which Little Shit didn't finish had started to STINK beyond your wildest rotten diaper.... problem solved.    But in reflection, this whole thing (like everything in my life)  is beyond....

 #1. That 'responsible' Daughter would leave that in the waste basket.

 #2. That Son would take a shower in there with that stench.

 #3. That Husband would follow me around nagging me to find a solution.... with his contribution of lighting cheap candles and opening windows to mask the smell.    REALLY!  Apparently to look downward at the waste can was just too much to ask of this group.

So there you have it.... I am in a very piss-y mood today and have adjourned to my fresh-smelling office with the door closed and my neon 'Sorry We're Closed' sign posted .... stay away unless that is, you are interested in cleaning this dump.

The International Laundress

Monday, February 18, 2013

The Whirling Dervish Strikes Again!

I thought I would 'surprise' everyone (myself included)  with a new post - one that's not separated by 4 months...   The background begins with Darling Daughter struggling with a difficult math course in college... we have all been worried about this because as anyone who knows me, knows she comes by bad math scores genetically.  In fact, I credit my artistic doodling skills to repeated Algebra classes through my formative years.   

So here's what happened.... 
after intense tutoring, we were holding our breath for her weekly Friday quiz... and as miracles do happen sometimes in this family, she earned a 19 out of 20 on a quiz (!!)  woo hoo (!) -- at the same time, Darling Daughter was planning a weekend away from college to her Grandmother's house (previously referred to as The Whirling Dervish  in this blog) see 'Oh, Holy Night....and day')  -  anyway,  'Grammie' was just as thrilled as I was and excitedly told me they were going to 'go out and celebrate'...  she even asked if SHE could give her underage Granddaughter some wine ?? (! ) (NO) ... her generation, the type born at the bottom of the original depression, always manages to blend the term 'celebrate' with alcohol - Grammie quickly turned that comment into a joke.  ha, ha -     I then decided to let the two of them 'bond' so I waited to call until the next day... I jokingly asked  - 'Do you have a hangover from all the partying' (!)? and my quick- witted Mother didn't miss a beat.... said;  'Oh, she didn't come home with me last night!'   OMG (!

As it turned out they did go out for dinner and when I asked about that, she reported that Darling Daughter used utensils to eat and didn't throw any food. (a la my previous post) :)   OMG (!!)

hours later.... 

She also deadpanned  "I didn't know SHE smoked" ... OMG  :)  (!!!)  

Grammie's humor is notorious and she has always been this way - stunning sarcasm and at times, a sudden unfiltered quick response (good or bad).  such memories :)

always a dream or a nightmare

The International Laundress

Thursday, February 14, 2013

A Fling with Food = Fun :)

I was recently pleased to find out that after the trauma of my parenting journey,  waaay deep down somewhere I still have a sense of humor and a very immature side to me-  something which is quite remarkable for this tired middle-aged person I have become.  
...So when my dear friends (all parents of high school kids) came over for dinner and relayed a situation to me after a couple of bottles of wine, I was left with shock and awe and uncontrollable laughter which continues.  

....A few weeks ago,  in our quiet neat perfectly manicured wonderful suburban high school, a future leader (or convict) decided to organize a ruckus-of-a-food-fight - complete with food (in quantity) brought-in by the kids.   As parents of these entitled children, we couldn't stop laughing about how this gang likely had the affair catered.    One boy brought in a 5 gallon container of mashed potatoes (can you think of anything more fun!?)   When my friend created a 'visual' for us of the students talking.......  "Who did you use ?!!(caterer)... ?" followed by "Was it kosher?" - we all started to roar hysterically with laughter. (my friends are also tired and immature!)
In the real story, the inviting was done quietly through FB,  so all knew, and  staff was 'prepared' - having issued dire warnings - daring students with police-in-place and cameras for 'filming' (or to deter them)  But as we all know kids at times, just do the darnedest things....  What they weren't prepared for was the chaos (or so I have heard which ensued)   According to an eye witness, like a flash mob ... kids were piling ketchup and mustard on plates which without a lot of thought became Frisbees.  Food was absolutely everywhere- whites of their eyes - (potatoes) windows covered, even in the ceiling!  Spaghetti sauce -- regular lunch food ..... If I had only been a PTO Mom that day!  LOL  :) 

The fall-out as reported to me, 60 participating 'hurlers' who are still 'black-listed' for the rest of the school year.   

My kid, true to the messes he has lived through in our house was 'under a table' with friends ... cuz he 'didn't want to get food on his clothes'.  Which kinda surprised me, that has never stopped him before!  

Meanwhile the mayhem from this deliberate disaster, was pretty unfortunate- one bi-stander had an injury from slipping in something slippery... hmm?   Weeks later this has been kept completely under wraps but for me, just thinking about this scene makes me crack up with laughter.... I know, I need to get out more! that part is pathetic.

Getting ready for bed soon!  click here if you're a tired parent :)
The International Laundress   

Monday, October 8, 2012

I'm hanging in there!

I know, I haven't posted since July!  Sorry to my readers!
I guess I could start by writing about what has been going on in the 'crazy house'! (mine)  I could go on and on about broken, filthy things or talk about how our dogs each plowed (at different times) through our newly gooed blacktop driveway... or how I deeply cut my hand 'helping' a stranger re-purpose an old glass frame, but that's boring.
What is special and noteworthy is how Darling Daughter is now  happy and settled in her first year of college! It was a family home run!  .....  and it is also appropriate to say that we are even happier than she is!   I know that sounds mean but to take just one layer of the chaos from this home, is monumental.  Everyone around here is calmer and everything is cleaner and I've already decided she may be interested in a summer program abroad.    I will probably be chewing my arm off to pay her tuition but it will be worth it.
For the big send off, I had been warned by everyone to be sure and bring a big box of tissues with me (really!)  I would look at them like -- 'I don't think so'... and sure to my previous statement, tissues were not needed!  Although,  I could have used a tissue from laughter when my mother (who was with me) dead-pan looked my way in the hallway with a side comment; 'Try to be strong'..... she then high-fived me!   Grammie always knows just what to say!  
After spending hours on 'load-in' .... boxes and boxes and suitcases of clothes for 12 people - her small dorm room was adequately 'stuffed'.  I said my 'good byes' and wished her
darling roommate well  :) , and proceeded to leave the enormous college campus.  While at my first red light, I took a quick glance at the floor of my car to find her wallet - yep, new student ID card, debit card and driver's license!   Will this end?  likely not ....  In fact, one of my first calls a few weeks later was how her wallet and now new room key ($75 replacement and $50 bus pass) was stolen from her purse when she left that behind somewhere.
She needs to re-read the needlepoint pillow that I made for her!  "Don't do anything STUPID"  ! please
So back to reality....she is sequestered in her dorm and I was left with an amazing mess in her room - my home.   I honestly needed a dumpster, but managed with huge trash bags.  I had not really entered this space for a few years so it was bad, bad.  

Note: an untouched photo
and now... post cleaning and fumigation, her old room has  become my own quiet respite.   Because I have gone mad from parenting…I even remodeled her miniature doll house.   The stored doll house looked as though it had been through Katrina…now it’s clean and kinda cute!
It’s one 'house' I can control. 
The International Laundress

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Danger: Distractions ..... DUH!

Like many Mom's I am working from home ... not only the usual home management things; repairs, laundry, cleaning 24/7 but also a real business.  For me, it's a plural word;.... Managing marketing and PR for a  consumer brand that is sold worldwide and also doing local detailed event productions (weddings, corporate etc).   Some days it's more than I can handle and it amplifies the extreme spectrum and contrast between how I function (ORGANIZED) vs. the rest of my family (ADHD).  When I am changing 'gears' between the various functions, I need to quickly get my brain into a place of extreme focus and that usually means getting away from the madness within the walls of this 'home'.  This is especially important when I am doing media interviews.     For that reason, I have found myself throwing candy out of a bathroom shower stall, vacuum sealing myself in a locked car  to standing  outside in snowy bushes to negotiate a contract away from dogs and kids.

I consider myself  highly experienced in the 'art' of impulsive interruptions (for years) so after thinking that I had 'warned' all home residents of a scheduled and planned LIVE 8 minute radio interview (est. audience 100,000) I felt confident I was 'covered' after sequestering myself in my bedroom.  But now looking back, I was doomed from the start.   

Darling Daughter has a knack for precision timing so when she burst through the door unannounced as I was mid-sentence during this interview it was like a targeted WMD that few could recover from.  My facial expression said it all as she continued on to my bathroom to rummage in her usual fashion for my things that she MUST have at THAT MOMENT.  Looking back, there was no hope here- if I had locked the door - the noise would have been considerably louder.  My job, as always is to forge on!   As I age though, I find losing my 'train-of-thought'
a bit problematic and it's not a place anyone wants to be as you are speaking 'on air' in a live interview..... heroically and heartstoppingly so, I managed but it became another hard lesson for me to LEAVE THE PREMISE. 

Nite Nite.... xo The International Laundress