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Tuesday, July 1, 2014

ME - The Queen of F*&^#$%ing Everything! Anything but 'charmed' !

Another 'Selfie'.... seen through my tired eyes.

This time, I would like to educate readers on the 'Kingdom' of the'Queen of Fucking Everything' (ME) .........  such a ghastly place where I 'rule' .... a place in need of a conquest because it now appears to be controlled by militants (lazy teenagers) who will do ANYTHING but help me within this sovereign state.   


To add to this upheaval -  smelly

animals that make loud noises also follow my every move.   It's a hideous life - one I never imagined, confirming the name of this blog. 
The defiant new 'rulers' direct The Royal Leaders (The King too) as though it is their kingdom and their kingdom alone.    Like radical zealots they come in and out of our locked gates at their fancy - and with every whim leave royal messes everywhere!  They even steal food labeled 'for Mom' and other items leaving a path of remnants which outrages Me !........I AM THE Queen!   

Their charmed loyal following of 'subjects' add to the destruction.   It appears they have all been keenly trained in the same place and I am now a prisoner under home-rule. 

To leave (err, I mean escape) is controversial ....  My 'carriage' has broken a/c so I am truly in an uproar with disgust and desperation. My 'life's' HELL would then follow me to the closest expressway and I would burn the tires to their axle with speed.   


So my favorite part of my day is to now take a 'Royal Nap' in hopes that this will all go away!  Or with an unlikely thought that I have been

in a deep coma for the past 2 decades I barely survive. I pray. This is torture.
  
Where will I find the strength to start military exercises to take back my Kingdom?  I need new ammunition with unique explosives to start a Coup d'├ętat?
 Anyone care to join me?

Quite by surprise, as they grow up, it seems my authority drops to what is now 'dungeon' status.


I am it appears, a new-kind-of tired exhausted peasant.  I hate what is going on in my castle.   The 'King' also feels the same downgrade in status.  

We have tried calmly requesting assistance, then added lovely scrolled hand-lettered notes (duct taped on neon paper) which escalates to direct orders from tower command posts to no avail. The King even roars! and I scream like a fish-wife which is embarrassing and undignified to my earlier status.



Our self- appointed crowned heads-of-state.... 
enjoy barricading themselves behind locked doors while the Queen is working and I say 'Off With Their Heads!'   A plan is currently in place to bring in The Queen Mum (Grammie) to beat them with a tire iron.  

I am so exasperated by the filth and mess which has overrun this Kingdom and like a slave I am going to revolt!  At this point... I couldn't pay a King's ransom to find reliable 'help'.... I need a cleaning crew to rival a small country.



 I know I am not alone... I should form a 'Queen of Fucking Everything' union where we could all plan together.  There are millions of us and in force, we could probably conquer or at best, get 'subjects' like this to magically hold a swifter duster or waltz with a turned on vacuum.

   
With new sanctions 'The Princess' (Darling Daughter) will NEVER again be able to say to my request of 'What the $%^&* were you doing in your room all day'? (while I was out sipping tea in the royal garden).... answering with a straight face;  'CLEANING' oh really?.... my dream is to have her understand when I am outside 'on the grounds' she should be maintaining military-style bathroom cleaning drills and end that exercise with a curtsy to me!  'The Prince', (Darling Son), will not storm out of his throne room with a furious tone after ending a day-long endless video game to assist me with cleaning up huge plops of royal dog feces (outside) and moving heavy fencing (I hate doing that while wearing taffeta).  He will leave his tasks and add others, with a polite 'yesh, me lord' and immediately begin sparkling up the 'moated' area of our basement,
a place where remarkably water goes unnoticed. 



Someday when I do free myself of this life .... (to a place I dream of) it will have a lovely cottage-like feel to it.
Most importantly, there will gates with an automatic code that will be the envy of Homeland Security.  This 'castle' will also have a fresh aroma of beautiful flowers, food which I like and it will be clean and organized.  I will be graced with a regular 'lady in waiting (cleaning)' ....... No one and I mean NO ONE will be allowed 'in' without being granted an order from The Queen (ME).   Even The King will be thrown scraps through the metal gates. 


xo
The Queen of F$%^& Everything 
 (a.k.a. The International Laundress) I wear many 'hats' 
(err, I mean crowns! )  my neck is practically broken.